Writing Saying Goodbye To Sparky

Infinite Blessings                

 It has been so difficult to take Sparky's story to fruition.  I have been writing and writing and yet at times going around in circles.  I am trying to publish Sparky's story to help spread the word about Animal Hospice.  I feel driven to share my intense agonizing over the decision not to euthanize him.  I need to recount the experience and help others in the same situation arrive at their best solution given the wonderful/terrible responsibility we have for the animal members of our families.  I most want to share the incredible blessing that being present to his death became.  I finally am taking some steps to find a publisher and put it out there.  I hope it will explain how death progresses, why a natural death without suffering is possible, and help for those going through the grieving process.  I hope, also , that I can do justice to this calling that has captivated me and will not let me go!  Thank you for all the support and comments here and elsewhere, I will keep you posted!  In the meantime, have a Blessed Holiday Season, and love your pets, family, friends and your world the best you can while they are here.

xxxjme

Saying Goodbye To Sparky: Final Chapter 3/04/2010

Mesa keeps watch over Sparky

I thanked Sparky for moving to the new house with me.

Mesa loved him

Sweet Mesa kept vigil, watching over Sparky until one day before he died.  She sat for weeks, literally touching him all hours of the day until March 3, when I saw something very odd.  She stood up, and very carefully and deliberately stepped over his body one leg at a time.  She then walked away and never showed any interest in him again.  I knew she had said her goodbyes.  The next day he grew weaker and weaker, hardly lifting his head and his body became more and more stretched out.  I had to go to the title company one more time to deliver new loan documents in a very stressful, long drawn out refinance that was forced on me due to complications with the purchase on my new home.  I had to turn these papers in by five o'clock, and I was leaving town the next morning.  I knew Sparky was finally getting ready to leave this life, and I did not know what to do.  I left him on my bed for a few minutes and went to make some tea.  I heard a terrible THUMP and thought he had rolled off the bed onto the floor.  I was panicked and did not know what I would find as I ran from the kitchen to the bedroom.  Sparky had hardly moved for an entire day, yet there he was next to my bed on the floor dragging himself across the floor.  My heart broke as he started to howl.  I picked him up yet he struggled with all he had left and climbed frantically up my shoulder.  I took a deep breath and tried to feel what it was he wanted.  I put him back on the bed, only to have to watch him launch himself right off the edge and again, he fell, and hit the floor with a terrible thud.  I opened my bedroom door, and watched in panic and horror as he dragged himself through two rooms and pressed his nose against the french doors leading outside to the back yard.  He looked like a turtle trying to push open those doors with his nose alone.  He looked up right into my eyes and meowed. It was not any longer a howl, but a demand.  For a moment he again was my demanding bossy cat, though physically he was just skin and bones, his voice had all the strength and timbre of his younger self.  Suddenly I relaxed.  I knew he wanted to die outside NOW.  I asked him to wait as I ran and got his favorite blanket, grabbed him and rushed out into the beautiful Spring Arizona air and the sun warming the backyard.  I put the blanket and Sparky on the ground and lay down by him, now he was almost completely motionless.  Almost.  He stuck out his paw, and to my shock grabbed my hand with his nails and pulled it to him.  I stared in wonderment, all fear and anxiety had evaporated as I tried only to BE THERE with him.  He was running the show!  In another instant he completely relaxed and he seemed to sigh very deeply.  It came into my mind to tell him his life story and the words just began to pour out of me.  I thanked Sparky for moving to the new house with me, and waiting to die until I knew I could keep this home.  I told him what an amazing cat he was and how much he meant to me, and also how much Mesa loved him.  I told him how grateful I was that he had shared so much of my life with me.  I reminded him that he had gotten me through Vet School, the beginning and end of a marriage, and the birth of my daughter.  He had been there so long; longer than any man, through both wonderful and terrible times.  He was there so long I could not remember my life without him.  I told him I loved him, but I would be OK, and he could go.  

I will always love you Sparky

He breathed out deeply and he was gone.  I promised him I would bury him right there, in the spot he had chosen to die.  


I planted two small red sunflower seedlings next to his grave, and they flourished.  They grew tall and beautiful and made many seeds that fell there.  I know there will be many more red sunflowers next year to remind me of my special Sparky.


I will always love you Sparky.  You taught me that death was truly a beautiful journey, you taught me to let go of my fears.  I know I will see you again.
xxxjme

Saying Goodbye To Sparky

Tonight I think my 23 year old kitty Sparky may be beginning the active dying process.    I am much more aware now of the stages of dying that we and our animal companions move through as we near death. It is a kind of backwards dance with life; a graceful exit.  I have learned much through practical experience with dying patients.   But even more valuable was attending the first two International Veterinary Hospice Symposiums sponsored by the Nikki Hospice Foundation (www.pethospice.org) and taking Dr. Ella Bittel's Spirits In Transition course (www.spiritsintransition.org).


I am very peaceful and comfortable being present at a beautiful goodbye for my beloved pet.  I am making sure he is comfortable and trying to allow his wishes and not intefere as long as I believe he  himself is ok with it.  For the first time I am wholly committed to this experience. I am not attempting to control or change or  "fix" it.  I am trying to completely accept the best most holistic definition of Hospice as allowing the dying process. I hope I can accept it, not fear or avoid it,  not postpone or hasten this precious death.  I think I can do this because he is not suffering and I am not as ignorant as I was!  


Sparky is teaching me about my own life as I accept his death.  I feel so much at this moment like celebrating this miracle much as if it was a birth!  These are very personal statements, and I am not saying I would never euthanize him as I did many many animals in my past history.  I just pray that I do not need to.  I am hopeful that I can let him take his own time to die.  


This is absolutely the first time I have greeted the end of a dear life with joy and peace and not fear,avoidance or tragedy.  I will write more on these specifics of what I have learned later. 


I have no idea when he will decide to pass into the next realm. I am humbled and grateful to have arrived at this place to be just with him now in this sacred space.